A Celery Moment

A celery moment is that flash of a second when the constriction around my heart releases, sort of like when I unfasten the tight wire wrap around a stalk of celery. When I unwrap it the celery sort of releases and relaxes…..”takes a breath”. I’ve had a few moments when I physically feel that release, when something shifts inside, when something lets go, when the fear subsides or the sadness passes. Recently I had one of those moments.

I have lost plenty of sleep over break ups, changes, shifts and struggles. Hashing and rehashing things said, wishing it had gone differently, kicking myself for what I think I "should" have done.

On one of these occasions, after hours of tossing and turning I texted my brother, told him I was a mess, and he drove up in the dark hours of morning to take me for a drive. I started with the tearful download of the situation. It was the third or fourth time I had heard myself telling the story, and each time I told it, it seemed to have a little more clarity or a little more perspective added to it. This time as I sat in his car watching a most glorious sunrise the wire band around my heart released and I had my celery moment.

There was a time I was barely stepping out into the dating world. I had spent the previous year entangled with a lover, and I was having a hard time undoing that web. I knew I needed to get out into life again if I was going to make that shift, so I started with very unsuccessful internet dates. I wanted to have some real experiences, but I also wasn’t ready nor did I want to step into another relationship. Then Tantra Retreat became available, and life changed. I had the opportunity to experience an amazing, opening, connecting, trusting, present practice with a wonderful, safe, beautiful, insightful, like-minded, man who opened me up to the Universal Connection and held me in safety, love, light, laughter, wholeness, beauty and bliss. He has been the perfect salve on a wounded heart, the sweet balm for my sadness, the bridge to finding my own heart and brilliance and the confirmation of my radiance. I am stronger, wiser, empowered, full and ready for whatever is next on my journey. I have a new set of viewpoints, I have a new set of understanding, and I have a new set of skills. What a beautiful bridge and preparation he has offered me into what is next.

What a GIFT that my “bridge man” was not an ass! That I was blessed with my bridge man being so beautiful as to leave me feeling fuller and richer for our time together instead of bruised and used is more than I ever could have imagined. I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that like attracts like, that my field of energy attracts the same, that my attracting a man of such calibur, heart, soul and being reflects to me that I am the same, and that I will hold that radiance as I attract again. He has helped me trust my own radiance to know that my life is pure perfection.

Now my heart relaxes a little more each day, and those celery moments leave me feeling open, expansive and available to more joy and bliss than I ever could have imagined.

Colorado Musings

Sitting on the deck of my dear friends home, overlooking a lake and the Colorado mountains, feeling the cool breeze and sun on my face, hearing the geese and hawks as they fly over head, and experiencing that feeling down deep inside that says "yes, do this".
I want to write. I want to ramble. I want to write big, I want to write small, I want to write about the mundane and the profound, I want to write about highs, lows and those flat places in the middle. I want to not worry about form, content, comprehension, entertainment value, an audience or correct grammar and punctuation. I want to spill it out and see what it becomes, without attachment to the outcome. I want to let go of fears that have stopped me, questions that have haunted me or doubts that have squashed me.
Life is all new for me. My life today looks nothing like my life of last year, much less the year before that or the year before that. Towards the end of my 23 year marriage I kept saying "I want the second half to look different than the first half". This wasn't to say the first half wasn't wonderful - it was. Raising two kids, married to a good man, starting a career that feeds my soul and surrounding myself with people who do the same. I only meant that I didn't want to retire to a rocking chair, spend time taking care of a house, stay in the town we had always been in, and keep doing what I had always done. I didn't know that request would manifest into divorce and living alone. I would never have had the wisdom to ask for that, or know that is exactly what my soul needed. Now that I'm here, I can see the Divine perfection in it all. Today my days are filled with a work that supports my personal passions, ideas that are expanding into realities, friends that feed me, family that supports me, a community that embraces me and the opportunity to give it all back - over and over and over.
I am a woman of service.
I am a woman of surrender.
I am a woman of passion.
I am a woman of adventure.
I hold my babes close to my chest - even as they grow
I give my heart to those I love - even as they know
I am moving
I am changing
I am like the leaves of a tree
As the seasons progress I become more brilliant and brave
Watching for what is unknown
Reveling in the journey and letting go of any imagined destination
I am here, I am now, I am all there is.