Expansion Through Contraction

My journey of self-discovery continues to be both a blessing and a challenge. Not long ago I had one those moments of clarity, I call them epiphany’s, when I was feeling wide open. During these times my intuition is in high gear, my heart feels expansive, my vulnerabilities seem small and manageable, the world looks bright and anything is possible.

Sometimes this openness leads me to behavior that I call “overshare”. In my wide open expansion I find myself sharing with the man at the grocery store about the beauty of a kiss and the lady at the coffeehouse about the condition of my heart. During these times of clarity I am feeling open and present and available and vulnerable. I feel more in touch with who I am and what I want. It becomes easy to feel grateful and blessed. I am more alive and connected to the world around me than I could ever imagine. I walk into Sunday morning dance and instantly become one with the music, with the rhythm and with the other dancers. When someone dances up to me I welcome them in. We dance and move and connect and inspire one another. It is a beautiful and broadening experience.

But then something happened. I wasn’t quite sure what. Some sort of shift and the next time I walk into dance the advances of other dancers starts to feel overwhelming. I feel myself begin to withdraw and move away. I retract and dance alone, or leave altogether.

I recently had this experience in a big way. Not just about dance, but about life in general. When I had the opportunity to choose what to do with my weekend, I opted to stay home and hibernate. I choose to stay away from many of my normal social situations that I enjoy, and that typically feed me. I didn’t answer the phone when good friends called, and I opted out of many an invite. I went home and stayed there, ultimately for days. This wasn’t just a simple, “stay at home to rejuvenate” sort of week, this was a “stay away from me, I feel blue and stuck and miserable, I’m afraid and lost and confused” sort of week. This is a reoccurring event for me.

Shortly after my “dark week” I was talking with my daughter, who was in her 9th month of pregnancy. She had begun to have occasional contractions and I was astonished to see her sheer joy in the pain. She lit up when she said, “with each contraction comes an opening, isn’t it amazing that in order to birth new-life a pain-filled contraction is a requirement?”

Suddenly I understood that it is “heart contractions” I am experiencing. Often times the wider the expansion, the stronger the contraction, and the reverse is true as well. It all began to makes sense. As I open and expand, so I must withdraw and contract. It is a requirement of change, it is a requirement of growth, it is a requirement of birth, it is a requirement of breath, it is a requirement of life.

And so, like my daughter, who was feeling OVERLY ready to birth that new babe, I am ready to birth my new being. Now I say “bring it on, I’m ready for whatever my next expansion will bring.”

Transformation

I have often talked about my own transformations in life in relationship to this same natural wonder. There is another piece of this metamorphasis that is of particular relevance to me. That is the time BETWEEN being a caterpillar and being a butterfly. During this time the creature goes into a state of crystalis and spins itself a cocoon. While deep in the dark protection of its cocoon, the caterpillar becomes a sort of sludge....... DNA sludge to be more specific. It doesn't know what it is, doesn't know what it has been, and doesn't know what its is becoming. It can't crawl, it can't fly, it can't do anything. If you were to cut it open, you wouldn't be able to identify it either, it would just be a pile of muck. There have been times in my life when I feel like that pile of muck. Unsure about anything I think I know, unsure about anything I think I want, and certainly unsure about anything I have thought myself to be. And so, like the caterpillar, I take this time to retreat, go within, "hide out" and most of all be gentle with myself.

I think we need to do the same thing with our world, our culture, our community. We know things are not working as is, we know its not sustainable, we know something has to change. Perhaps it is time we are gentle with our world as well. A time to nurture, to care for, to protect, to love and to allow the next generation of ourselves to be born. It is, afterall, a time of great transformation.

Late Nite Hot Tub

Dark Night
Bright Moon
Twinkling Stars
Swift Clouds
Feeling Alive
Experiencing Spirit
Knowing we are One
Seeing is Believing
I Believe

A Moment of Oneness

She walked out of the dance studio covered in sweat. She had danced hard, laughed hard, and loved every minute of the time with her dance buddies. And now the sun was shining brightly and she felt her tummy rumble in the call for lunch.

The normal Sunday routine included many of the dancers meeting at the local market deli for lunch. Typically everyone sat their sweaty bodies in the sunshine and visited. Sometimes they would eat and chat for hours. On this particular Sunday she decided to skip that part of the routine, grab an apple instead, and drive to the nearby mountains to enjoy the last vestiges of snow before spring melted it all away.

The drive was bright and green and curvy. She played the music loud and sang along where she could at the top of her voice. It was the perfect day for a drive, and possibilities in this moment seemed endless.

It wasn’t long before she was cresting of the top of the summit that exposed the breathtaking view of Mt. McLaughlin. The rolling mountains, snowy terrain, open meadows and thick forest seemed to go on for an eternity. As far as the eye could see was open, undeveloped land.

Soon she found the perfect turn out with a trail head leading off into the forest. Grabbing her apple and water bottle she headed out to see what message the land had to offer. As the forest became thicker, the silence became heavier. The breeze in the trees and the occasional screech of a hawk and the crunch of old sloppy snow under her boots were the only sounds, and soon she heard the babble of a creek. As she came upon the creek, she discovered it was a bit more than a creek, but not quite a river. There were large rocks all around, and it was easy to navigate from one shore to the other and back again. In the center of the river was an exceptionally large boulder where she decided to take a break, eat her apple, and listen to the rush of the current.


As she sat on the rock she took the time to notice all the finer details of her surroundings. The mossy boulders, the lichen hanging from the trees, last years leaves that were still around the edges in dark brown moldy clumps, the patches of brown snow and mostly the sound of the rushing water. It was a shallow area where she sat, if she were to step in it would only be about knee deep. But this time of year there would be no stepping in!! She sat on the rock and closed her eyes. She allowed the sound of the water to entirely engulf her. She could feel the wind on her face that the rapid rushing water created, and her body could feel the pull of the water moving quickly down hill. She began to breath deeply. Her practice was to start breathing and focus at her tail bone and inhale all the way up her spine and out the crown of her head. She continued the breathing for a long while. However, it was only a few breaths until she was able to experience the sensation of having her body melt into her surroundings, and experience that feeling of oneness with earth, with water, with Universe and with God. She remained in that state of being for awhile.

Soon she had another sensation, it was the sensation of a larger energy. It was approaching from her back side, it felt soft and gentle and safe. She was instantly curious, but remained focused on her breathing and her connection to earth. The energy seemed to be getting closer and closer. It crept up on her right side and she slowly turned her head to peek. There, at her shoulder height, 6 inches from her face, was the face and dark black eye of a deer. For a moment they made eye contact, she jumped in shock and startled the deer into taking a step away. As she turned slowly to look more closely at this miracle that had appeared she saw the tiny little speckled fawn that had also come up behind her. The three of them sat in astonishment of one another for a moment. She felt a deep sense of understanding and knowing that in her moments of oneness the deer were unaware of her physical presence, as she was unaware of theirs. It was that flash of unexpected physicality that caused them to startle and experience a feeling of separateness. But for just a moment they had all crossed that veil of separation and stepped into Universal consciousness that allows us to sense, feel and experience our world in another dimension, in another texture and in another reality.

With practice, I want to visit this place again.

Grumblings of the Grouchy

It has been a difficult week…
Fraught with stresses at work, lost documents, deadlines, family members in pain, the passing of a friend, news of dads heart problems, car repossessions (not mine!), broken hearts (not mine!), canceled clients, unrequited love, good friends leaving Ashland (2), sleep disturbances (I'm writing this at 4 a.m.)and general all around heaviness. Now, I’m a relatively optimistic person. I practice mindfulness, I have just written a course for the new Happier Than God book, I enjoy Byron Katie, Richard Moss, Eckart Tolle and all the other new ages authors and philosophies that help me to understand the bigger picture in our sufferings, that help me to live in the present moment, stay out of drama, understand the messages, look for the learning, notice the gratitude, acknowledge the perfection, bless the gift and stay in the flow. I write articles of inspiration and hope to help others find passion, bliss and beauty in their gift of life.

And today I say “F@&K THAT!”

In all of the ideas and philosophies mentioned above I think I have over done it. I have not left space to just feel shitty, and to feel okay about feeling shitty. Space to roll around in my own sorrow and misery, to moan and pout and whine. To stomp my foot, stick out my tongue, be jealous, cry, blame, accuse and generally feel sorry for myself and for the irritated, agitated, provoked, disappointed, frustrated, envious and pissy inner-voice that needs to be heard as well. (and please, don’t tell me I need to do “shadow work”…… my shadow is working just fine!)

While this blog is called “Ramblings of the Divine”, sometimes I want to write one called “Grumblings of the Grouchy.” (I could call it my GOG BLOG for short).

In this new blog there will be rules around writing anything inspirational or helpful. There will be no talk of seeing the perfection, I will not “tease it apart” until I understand it better, there will be no intention to improve, be wiser, attain enlightenment, help others or listen to their problems.

I tried explaining this over dinner last night to a group of friends. And while a couple of my friends nodded their heads in agreement (one even suggested the blog be called “Irkings of the Irreverent”) there was one blank stare from across the table that clearly said, “okay, knock yourself out, I don’t get it”. He was enlightened enough to stay quiet, but I could feel his disagreement and arguments in his head. The ones that say “but you can choose your own experience”, or “choose to be happy, choose to be agitated, where would you rather live?”. Even in his silence I wanted to say “shut the f%#k UP!”.

What I have learned (oops, I can’t even complain without learning) is that I don’t get pissed very well. I don’t stay in that place of agitated or irritated for very long. On one of my worst days last week a friend called and my natural default was that I was so excited to hear his voice I answered with a chipper and cheery voice and he said, “wow, you sound great. Life must be really good.” It was then that I realized “SHIT, I can’t even be in my authentic pissed-offness for more than 10 minutes at a time.” I stuff it and move on, and then it leaks out later at unexpected and unrelated times. I find myself more agitated than usual at the check out stand, in tears for no apparent reason, or I don’t answer the phone when a friend calls because I have no patience.

WTF….. I just wanna be shitty.
Today, that is my practice.

Self-Love and a chuckle

Loving yourself...does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own
heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion. -Margo Anand

I often do my writing from a coffeehouse. It is one of those sorts of places with overstuffed chairs, the scent of coffee and whispered voices. Last week I sat next to a man and woman who were discussing relationship and love and the dynamic between men and women. She asked the man “are you currently in relationship?”. He humorously answered, “yes, I’m trying a new sort of relationship. I am entering into relationship with myself.” She chuckled and asked “how is that going for you?”. He answered with a smirk……“I’m learning to love me now. Its good, we don’t fight much. Its not too serious, I’m moving soon, and don’t want to start something I can’t finish. We’re keeping it open and talking about it. If he meets someone else, I’ll try to understand. But mostly…….I’m just glad I have a cat”. Hysterical laughter ensued.

I stifled a chuckle, and noticed their conversation had caused me to ask myself, “how much time do I really put into knowing and loving me?” Without sound trite, it is an important question. My father once challenged me that loving myself must mean I am abusing or neglecting others. It seems a common belief that if I spend my time, money, energy or thoughts on myself that somehow someone else will “loose”. I have come to find this is not true. Instead, it appears to be the exact opposite.

In my facilitation of workshops I run an activity called “giving it away”. I call a person to the front of the room and ask them to give me a penny. Sometimes they have one, sometimes they don’t. Either way, eventually they run out of pennies. However, once they run out, instead of no longer asking for a penny, I simply get more demanding, beg, plead or cry for the lack of a penny. The activity demonstrates that you cannot give away what you do not have. No matter how hard they try, or how much they want to give me a penny, they simply do not have one. The same is true in my life: If I do not have self-love, I cannot love someone else completely. If I do not respect myself, it is difficult to respect others. If I do not have compassion for myself, and my human foibles, I do not have true compassion for anyone else.

The reverse is also true. I give much more freely of that which I have an abundance! If pennies were limitless, I’d be able to continually give them without end. And so it goes, if I judge myself harshly, I tend to judge others the same. When I am impatient with myself, I am impatient with others. Or, if I live peacefully, I will unwittingly share peace with those around me.

Self-love is a beautiful cycle where everyone wins. When I love myself, I have more love to give; when those around me receive more love, it is easier for them to love both themselves and others. When there is more love, compassion, understanding and gentleness in my life, there is more in the world. When there is more in the world there will be less disagreements, less fighting, and less war. And so the never ending cycle of expanding, increasing, conscious, powerful love continues, and my self-love actually becomes an invaluable piece of both loving and healing my family, my friends, my community, my nation and, ultimately, my world.

Did you have any idea that self-love could be so globally important?

To see an archive of past Yin Newsletter Articles CLICK HERE

Friends and Connection

6 hour drive home from the Bay Area... whew, my ass hurts.
It was a wonderful drive, and because it was with one of my very best friends, Thunder, it felt fast and easy. We spoke of love and relationships and intimacy and heart and Rumi and our kids and our work and the new snow on Mt. Shasta, we listened to music, we sang really loud and Thunder tried to nap but I wouldn't let him. We laughed, we cried and we even argued a bit. I learn so much from my friends. I learn about how I want to be, and I learn about how I don't want to be. Mostly I learn that it feels important to make connections. To take time to both listen AND share. Conversations cannot be a one sided endeavor. Closeness requires a sharing from both parties, as well as listening. My experience is that that some find it easier to listen than they do to share. Or perhaps they think what they have to share isn't as important or as adventurous or as interesting. It doesn't really matter, what matters is that I can learn the condition of your heart. That I can be a part of your inner most thoughts, of your heart, of your very being. It is those interior places that allow me access to your deepest self, and that is the You I wish to know. Not the You that is known by everyone, but the You that lies beneath the surface, waiting to be coaxed out into the open, waiting to bask in the light of love, looking to be appreciated and understood. The You of vulnerabilities and self-doubt, the You of wonder and confusion.... not the You that is full of all the right answers, but that piece of You that is always in question, who lives in a state of curiosity, who finds wonder and magic in love and life, including the smallest most apparently insignificant details that makes my life a rich tapestry of color, texture and warmth. It is that tapestry that I wish to wrap myself in, and feel deeply into my bones.

"My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue, and ever lasting vision with an ever changing view" ~Carol King