Grumblings of the Grouchy

It has been a difficult week…
Fraught with stresses at work, lost documents, deadlines, family members in pain, the passing of a friend, news of dads heart problems, car repossessions (not mine!), broken hearts (not mine!), canceled clients, unrequited love, good friends leaving Ashland (2), sleep disturbances (I'm writing this at 4 a.m.)and general all around heaviness. Now, I’m a relatively optimistic person. I practice mindfulness, I have just written a course for the new Happier Than God book, I enjoy Byron Katie, Richard Moss, Eckart Tolle and all the other new ages authors and philosophies that help me to understand the bigger picture in our sufferings, that help me to live in the present moment, stay out of drama, understand the messages, look for the learning, notice the gratitude, acknowledge the perfection, bless the gift and stay in the flow. I write articles of inspiration and hope to help others find passion, bliss and beauty in their gift of life.

And today I say “F@&K THAT!”

In all of the ideas and philosophies mentioned above I think I have over done it. I have not left space to just feel shitty, and to feel okay about feeling shitty. Space to roll around in my own sorrow and misery, to moan and pout and whine. To stomp my foot, stick out my tongue, be jealous, cry, blame, accuse and generally feel sorry for myself and for the irritated, agitated, provoked, disappointed, frustrated, envious and pissy inner-voice that needs to be heard as well. (and please, don’t tell me I need to do “shadow work”…… my shadow is working just fine!)

While this blog is called “Ramblings of the Divine”, sometimes I want to write one called “Grumblings of the Grouchy.” (I could call it my GOG BLOG for short).

In this new blog there will be rules around writing anything inspirational or helpful. There will be no talk of seeing the perfection, I will not “tease it apart” until I understand it better, there will be no intention to improve, be wiser, attain enlightenment, help others or listen to their problems.

I tried explaining this over dinner last night to a group of friends. And while a couple of my friends nodded their heads in agreement (one even suggested the blog be called “Irkings of the Irreverent”) there was one blank stare from across the table that clearly said, “okay, knock yourself out, I don’t get it”. He was enlightened enough to stay quiet, but I could feel his disagreement and arguments in his head. The ones that say “but you can choose your own experience”, or “choose to be happy, choose to be agitated, where would you rather live?”. Even in his silence I wanted to say “shut the f%#k UP!”.

What I have learned (oops, I can’t even complain without learning) is that I don’t get pissed very well. I don’t stay in that place of agitated or irritated for very long. On one of my worst days last week a friend called and my natural default was that I was so excited to hear his voice I answered with a chipper and cheery voice and he said, “wow, you sound great. Life must be really good.” It was then that I realized “SHIT, I can’t even be in my authentic pissed-offness for more than 10 minutes at a time.” I stuff it and move on, and then it leaks out later at unexpected and unrelated times. I find myself more agitated than usual at the check out stand, in tears for no apparent reason, or I don’t answer the phone when a friend calls because I have no patience.

WTF….. I just wanna be shitty.
Today, that is my practice.