Expansion Through Contraction

My journey of self-discovery continues to be both a blessing and a challenge. Not long ago I had one those moments of clarity, I call them epiphany’s, when I was feeling wide open. During these times my intuition is in high gear, my heart feels expansive, my vulnerabilities seem small and manageable, the world looks bright and anything is possible.

Sometimes this openness leads me to behavior that I call “overshare”. In my wide open expansion I find myself sharing with the man at the grocery store about the beauty of a kiss and the lady at the coffeehouse about the condition of my heart. During these times of clarity I am feeling open and present and available and vulnerable. I feel more in touch with who I am and what I want. It becomes easy to feel grateful and blessed. I am more alive and connected to the world around me than I could ever imagine. I walk into Sunday morning dance and instantly become one with the music, with the rhythm and with the other dancers. When someone dances up to me I welcome them in. We dance and move and connect and inspire one another. It is a beautiful and broadening experience.

But then something happened. I wasn’t quite sure what. Some sort of shift and the next time I walk into dance the advances of other dancers starts to feel overwhelming. I feel myself begin to withdraw and move away. I retract and dance alone, or leave altogether.

I recently had this experience in a big way. Not just about dance, but about life in general. When I had the opportunity to choose what to do with my weekend, I opted to stay home and hibernate. I choose to stay away from many of my normal social situations that I enjoy, and that typically feed me. I didn’t answer the phone when good friends called, and I opted out of many an invite. I went home and stayed there, ultimately for days. This wasn’t just a simple, “stay at home to rejuvenate” sort of week, this was a “stay away from me, I feel blue and stuck and miserable, I’m afraid and lost and confused” sort of week. This is a reoccurring event for me.

Shortly after my “dark week” I was talking with my daughter, who was in her 9th month of pregnancy. She had begun to have occasional contractions and I was astonished to see her sheer joy in the pain. She lit up when she said, “with each contraction comes an opening, isn’t it amazing that in order to birth new-life a pain-filled contraction is a requirement?”

Suddenly I understood that it is “heart contractions” I am experiencing. Often times the wider the expansion, the stronger the contraction, and the reverse is true as well. It all began to makes sense. As I open and expand, so I must withdraw and contract. It is a requirement of change, it is a requirement of growth, it is a requirement of birth, it is a requirement of breath, it is a requirement of life.

And so, like my daughter, who was feeling OVERLY ready to birth that new babe, I am ready to birth my new being. Now I say “bring it on, I’m ready for whatever my next expansion will bring.”