Wandering Aimlessly

Last fall I decided to change my life a bit. I was planning on traveling for the bulk of November and December and so it seemed to make sense at the time to free up funds for that travel and close my apartment. I put everything, with the exception of a suit case of essentials, into storage. When I returned from my travels I discovered I liked having extra cash instead of bills. I decided to keep the idea alive for awhile and started house sitting instead of getting myself another apartment. I liked not paying rent or utilities and having no space that required upkeep or attention. I discovered I could actually afford to work less and have more free time. So now, I live a life with very little overhead, part time contracts to pay the (few) bills and finance my travels, and plenty of time to wander aimlessly. It’s an interesting proposition for a woman like me who usually has more to do than I have days in the week to get it done.

Wandering aimlessly is not as easy as it sounds. It actually takes practice. My life is such that I could (and usually do) easily and quickly fill my afternoons and weekends with projects, people, events, and “stuff”. I have to consciously remember to not fill up my days, and to create space to spend time alone and wandering. And then I wondered, why do I want this free time? Why does it feel somehow important to learn how to wander aimlessly?

JRR Tolkien says “Not all those who wander are lost”. And while I am definitely not lost, I don’t have a full explanation for why this idea is important. However, I know it is and I am researching the reasoning. What I do know is that I am a “doer”. I always have more to do than I can get done. I usually have multiple irons in the fire and am rushing from place to place daily, including weekends. When it isn’t work related its social obligations squished in-between the rest of my hurried day. I am always headed to somewhere. My life has been this way by design. I enjoy being busy, feeling valued, giving back and creating change. I have also come to see all this “doing-ness” as a very masculine trait, and have learned that my masculine essence is highly developed. This has been a good thing, and served me well throughout my life. Now I have created the opportunity to explore my feminine essence in a deeper way. My aimless wandering allows me to literally roll around in creativity and flow. It provides the opportunity to experience on a very physical level what can appear when I create an opening for things to sprout. When my life is full and directed there is no room for new or expanding opportunities to come in – there simply isn’t space. I am learning to rest into simply allowing my days to unfold. It is an entirely different way to face my day.

I do find myself fearful about the future, and how I can possibly sustain this style of living. The “what if’s” can fill my brain and quickly jeopardize my serenity. However, it only takes a moments re-framing of what I’m doing to remember that everything is in a constant state of change anyway, and that regardless of how I live my life today its quite likely to be different tomorrow. Here is yet another opportunity for me to explore the feminine by embracing change and trusting both what is and what will be.

I don’t know how long this time of my life will continue, but I plan to use it deeply to investigate the feminine flow, to remain open to the blossoming of new opportunities, to radiate open heartedness and to, in the words of my brother, “examine the power of whimsy”.