Sometimes this openness leads me to behavior that I call “overshare”. In my wide open expansion I find myself sharing with the man at the grocery store about the beauty of a kiss and the lady at the coffeehouse about the condition of my heart. During these times of clarity I am feeling open and present and available and vulnerable. I feel more in touch with who I am and what I want. It becomes easy to feel grateful and blessed. I am more alive and connected to the world around me than I could ever imagine. I walk into Sunday morning dance and instantly become one with the music, with the rhythm and with the other dancers. When someone dances up to me I welcome them in. We dance and move and connect and inspire one another. It is a beautiful and broadening experience.
But then something happened. I wasn’t quite sure what. Some sort of shift and the next time I walk into dance the advances of other dancers starts to feel overwhelming. I feel myself begin to withdraw and move away. I retract and dance alone, or leave altogether.
I recently had this experience in a big way. Not just about dance, but about life in general. When I had the opportunity to choose what to do with my weekend, I opted to stay home and hibernate. I choose to stay away from many of my normal social situations that I enjoy, and that typically feed me. I didn’t answer the phone when good friends called, and I opted out of many an invite. I went home and stayed there, ultimately for days. This wasn’t just a simple, “stay at home to rejuvenate” sort of week, this was a “stay away from me, I feel blue and stuck and miserable, I’m afraid and lost and confused” sort of week. This is a reoccurring event for me.
Shortly after my “dark week” I was talking with my daughter, who was in her 9th month of pregnancy. She had begun to have occasional contractions and I was astonished to see her sheer joy in the pain. She lit up when sh
e said, “with each contraction comes an opening, isn’t it amazing that in order to birth new-life a pain-filled contraction is a requirement?”Suddenly I understood that it is “heart contractions” I am experiencing. Often times the wider the expansion, the stronger the contraction, and the reverse is true as well. It all began to makes sense. As I open and expand, so I must withdraw and contract. It is a requirement of change, it is a requirement of growth, it is a requirement of birth, it is a requirement of breath, it is a requirement of life.
And so, like my daughter, who was feeling OVERLY ready to birth that new babe, I am ready to birth my new being. Now I say “bring it on, I’m ready for whatever my next expansion will bring.”
